To say I have been m.i.a. is a bit of an understatement. Life has definitely been kicking my @ss. I have dealt with heartache, loss and rejection for almost 7 months now. It all started with starting over in school. The LPN school I was attending lost its funding and expected this single mama with a minimum wage job to pay thousands of dollars for tuition…. weekly! I finally went to another school and it was like starting over from the beginning… only to get to the test for entrance into the nursing program and fail it by 2 freaking points….. I was starting to think it was just not meant to be.
Secondly my father died unexpectantly in November 2nd of 2016 from a massive heart attack and even though we hadn’t really been talking it hit me hard. On top of that I was thrown into taking care of EVERYTHING because he was not married and I am his next of kin and oldest child. I went from a girl that would rarely attend a funeral to a girl that had to plan one. This sent my finances into a fu*k all. Funerals are expensive as all hell! So every since then paying my rent on time has been the biggest challenge.
Next was the shocking and even more unexpected death of my cousin Mark on December 2nd after losing his fight with diabetes. He died exactly a month later. I was crazy because while I was dealing with my fathers’ death he was actually staying with me, so to have him here one day sitting on my couch and gone the next was the biggest eye opener that nothing in this life is promised. He would have been 30 this past February….. then 2 weeks after his death my great uncle died.
I thought the storm was over because its believed that death comes in 3’s… so I figured I was in the clear, but boy was I wrong…
My heart, my dearest Grandka, teacher and best friend passed away on March 2nd of 2017. This women was my everything. My mother and I took care of her up until her last breath. I don’t think I’ve ever taken a death so hard as I did hers… I’m still having the most difficult time and trust me its showing. I haven’t run or worked out since all of this madness has transpired and you know where it got me? to 312.9 pounds, smoking again and completely out of touch with my life that I had worked so hard to fix in the 1st place.
Though I am still sticking to my plant based/ vegan way of eating/life it has all been, and I kid you not, vegan junk food. That is how I was dealing with the building anxiety and depression, how I always did, with food. Everyday my clothes got tighter, I felt more and more sluggish and I didn’t have the get up and conquer the world attitude I had worked so hard to get. My drive was gone. I felt like the world would be better off without me…
Then my son, now eight years old and about to enter the 3rd grade in the fall, came to me one day and said “mommie why don’t we meditate today?” I had to fight back tears as it hit me that I had been so focused on what I was losing/what was taken from me that I completely forgot what was needed of me from this little human. I was ready to check out selfishly forgetting that this little person is my responsibility and the things that I do he watches with a magnifying glass so he can imitate…. Is this what I wanted to show my son? that when life is hard you just give up and let it swallow you whole without a fight or second thought? My son saw me struggling to lose weight, learning to find balance and in a blink an eye he saw me completely shut down.
It funny how life works because I started my health journey because of my son in the 1st place and now he, again, is the one that lit the fire under my @ss.
As of exactly one week ago I have not picked up a cigarette and on 6/14/17 I began the thing that kicked me off last time, a 3 day juice fast from Juice from the Raw (that I totally bought months ago and has been sitting in my freezer since then waiting for me to get my sh*t together. My goal however is to juice as long as my spirit tells me to and then transition to a raw vegan diet for another undetermined length of time. I have to get my dependence of food under control before I re tackle me work out regimen.
As of today I am 307.2. Being back in the 300’s is definitely heartbreaking… I mean I got down to the 250s at one point, however I will take this journey one day at a time and continue to find my way back to health.
How do you handle lifes’ ups and downs? I think it will be very therapeutic to update my blog as often as I can so I plan to keep the posts coming. Say a little prayer for me or send those positive vibes….
Until next time